When I sat down for the Monday Morning meeting, the first thing discussed was the high probability of lockdown getting extended. Not a great way to start the week, eh?
I tried to push the speculative news aside, along with the thought that I most probably won’t see my parents nor go on Kumano Kodo pilgrimage this year.
Instead, I spent the day working, reading a few pages from the boring CPA textbook, running, practising yoga for runners, texting friends and gentle journaling.
Some highlights of the day include bed coffee, payday (I pulled the King of Pentacles), cozying up on the sofa with Fafa and watching The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel on Netflix, the smell of the burning candle ━ a gift from Jik, getting a package and Wood Frog’s pumpkin seed sliced bread.
Leading into it, I had some plan to honour the Leo (Strength) full moon (The Empress) by doing fiery, action-oriented things like cooking the spicy mutton vindaloo I had promised Fafa; or at least clock in more kilometres while running.
But instead, I woke up feeling exhausted with no reason. I had to drag myself out of bed and go through the work-day motions with low energy; skipping cooking, running even meditating.
We still went out for dinner; delicious African cuisine at Nyala but only with one glass of wine I was ready to crash on the bed. So yeah, looks like the Full Moon in Leo managed to burn my energy completely today. So I am going to bed now, even though it’s only 9 PM. Hopefully, I woke up the next day feeling a lot better.
I haven’t been writing for a week here, the longest period since I started this blog last year. I am feeling a wee bit of a writer-FOMO, so here are some random observations I noted down in the journal recently —
I use a 400-page black Moleskine to journal. It was a birthday gift from Fafa. At first, I thought it would be my annual journal. But now, only five months in and having used up 3/4 of it, I think I will be getting myself a new journal for my half-birthday in March.
One of the reasons that I haven’t been writing much on the blog is because I am hitting a tarot-reading wall. For some reason, I have been feeling a little less excited about journaling about tarot recently. Not sure whether I am even allowed to say that, but that’s the truth. I have come up with solutions, though. I have started journaling tarot with prompts given by the Moon Void Tarot‘s creator, Stefanie Caponi to honor the Aquarius season (my Moon sign).
I also bought another tarot deck—my first-quarter purchase (hey, I lasted 20 days! Now, I have to go through the next 70-something days without buying another deck). It’s the Fifth Spirit Tarot which sits on top of my 2021 tarot deck list. Yesterday, I saw that Two Sided Tarot has it listed on their website and with only AUD10 shipping, I knew I shouldn’t wait any longer.
One last thing about tarot: I am looking for a tarot deck with continuity or a similar theme throughout the deck. The Moon Void Tarot deck has been the closest I’ve got, but the non-human court-cards broke the singular theme thing that it had going for it.
Even though I haven’t been writing much here, I have been compiling random notes I wrote here and there — paper and digital — into my Day One App. Maybe I can share some of the not-super-boring ones here?
Also, even though I haven’t been writing much, I have been running. I registered for a measly 10km run in October. That gets me going. I am clocking in 3km every run, but with an embarrassing pace to be shared here.
The last best coffee I had was well, not a coffee. We went to Brunswick last weekend to feast on a crab at Miss Katie’s Crab Shack. On the way back, we stopped at one of my favourite coffee shops in Melbourne for some sit-down coffee chai.
This month, I dreamt of Fafa bringing and or showing me a ladybug. Twice. Google told me that it’s a symbol of good luck.
This week, I tried a new Thai dish called Hor Mok for the first time. It’s steamed fish cooked with coconut cream, curry and basil leaf served banana leaf cup. I ordered it because it reminded me of Kerala Meen Pollichathu, but it tasted closer to Cambodian Fish Amok.
Yesterday, I found out that all this while I have been cooking and eating butter that has expired in 2019.
Today, I woke up reminiscing about my Uni time. Jik and I used to sneak into each others class. Even though we majored in different subjects and went to different Universities. And hers was more fun than my boring Accounting lectures. Then, I realized that taking up CPA is like adopting the worst part of schooling-the studying and exam parts. Ugh!
I realize more and more that I am a creature of routines and rituals. So instead of ignoring it, I should use those things as a foundation of my daily life.
My 5 AM thoughts visited me again today, only that it came at 3.30 AM.
It has been three days in a row that I haven’t been sleeping peacefully, but today it was much worse since I could not go back to sleep anymore.
I refuse to self-diagnose myself with insomnia. Self-diagnosing when it comes to health is a trait that has become second nature among my extended family. Hence my conscious effort to stir away from it. Even at 3.30 AM.
I think I just overstimulated myself yesterday; both mind and body. The brain has been forced to work since 8 AM yesterday, and it didn’t stop even until I went to bed. From office work, blog posts, personal errands and reading heavy stuff until I fell asleep.
Meanwhile, I also let myself binge-eat yesterday using the period excuse. From sugary drinks, spicy chips to late-night garlic rice.
As a result, the heated stomach and buzzing brain refused to let my tire-soul rest.
I thought about how it has been a while since I share my coffee-diary entries here. How I forever chase the golden-light in life, both literally and figuratively. Both topics are unrelated.
I wondered whether I would have developed a deeper and layered understanding of a language if I was not raised to be multilingual. Since even until now, I struggle to express myself a bit more in-depth. In any language. Not only that, I have passed an embarrassing number of reading materials, just because it’s too hard for me to digest.
I felt like there is a version of me who I want to be (the one who reads daily, who cooks often, who goes on hikes on the weekend and who runs a marathon) and there is the current me that is not there yet. This year is about closing the gap between those two MEs, or at least minimize the gap.
My thought then went to the unwrapped gifts in the living room. It’s for a party that I have been invited to, by someone I wouldn’t invite to mine. Funny, isn’t it? Someone can be your VIP, but it doesn’t always mean vice versa. If you think I was being mean, hey at least I got them a gift 🤷🏽.
I wrote a reminder to finish reading Patti Smith this month – preferably this weekend if I am good. And to visit a new-to-me neighborhood cafe before we move out from here. Also, to get a tarot journal.
With space as the guiding word for my year, I went through my tarot-mental Rolodex, to pick a card, which best represents space for me.
Not able to associate the space I have in mind with any major arcana cards (not even The Fool nor The World), I moved to the minor ones in sequence starting from the Wands suit. It was then it clicked, without needing to review the rest of the cards on the deck – the space energy I wish to invite for this year is represented in the Seven of Wands.
TBR, the Seven of Wands has never been a favorite – both as a Seven (I prefer Seven of Pentacles) nor in the Wands suit (I favor the Eight of Wands). It’s also the only Seven suits that I haven’t journal-ed about as I had never put much thought into it, until this week.
Also, the image of the card in the classic Rider Waite Smith deck is not pretty. It shows a man, with mismatched shoes, standing on a higher ground, ready to fight other wands pointing at him. But then, when I envision conquering 2021 by claiming my space, I so want to be that man. Ready to defend my place, come what may!
In tarot, Seven of Wands traditionally means courage, persistence, competition, challenges. It can also be about:
Perseverance, defending one’s territory and expansion which for me translates to space, space and more space.
My tarot teacher asked me when we practiced reading tarot with a spread.
I told her that:
“I always feel a strong connection to the moon. I also find The Moon card on most tarot decks attractive”.
She seemed a bit relieved by my answer, before going on explaining that tarot readers have divided perceptions about The Moon card; some consider it as a good card, while others find it difficult.
I looked at the card on the spread. We were using the Rider Waite Smith tarot deck. There a few things going on for sure. The lobster, the howling dogs, the towers with the dark sky draping the background. But nothing calls out to be as a problematic.
Yes, the moon can be emotional, but so are we, are we not?
I put my thoughts aside and continued reading the spread. I interpreted The Moon as I needed to wait for a whole month before being able to see any progress.
It’s time to let the moon illuminate our dark side. For us to embrace our shadow-self, to go deeper inside, in the effort of understanding ourselves better.
The other day, I meditated under the full moon on Aries. Again a homework from my teacher. I took out all The Moon cards my all the tarot decks (excluding Rider Waite Smith tarot deck, as these days I only use it as a point of reference) I owned to contemplate more on it.
The depiction in The Spacious Tarot deck is my favourite. The card is dominated by a large moon – which reminds me of the time I went to Uluru and saw the moon up close point. It also has two mushrooms on it, which reminds me of The Lovers tarot card.
After spending sometime with The Moon tarot cards, I journaled about it – a whole three pages in my Moleskin. I am not ready to share it here yet. Thought at this rate, I have a feeling that I will eventually share it with you but for now, do know it has been cathartic.
That night, I honoured the moon’s energy by drinking Lavender tea and going to bed with Selenite charging me from the bedside table.
Yet another day, I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling refreshed.
Instead of coaxing myself to go back to sleep, I stupidly invited what I called as the 5-AM-thoughts to seep into my brain and start its’ dance.
It first started with my thoughts about court cards in tarot to the witch bookmark that kept popping up on my IG feed. Then moved to Tom Harlock’s massive self-love, to the New Moon in Scorpio (whether it could be the reason of my restlessness), to being thankful for quirky bookstores like The Moon Singapore.
I reminded myself to finish the current journal before moving to the red Harry Potter journal I bought on a whim last week and to put some stickers on the journal.
The last one was why the heck have I never treated myself to a writing retreat even though I have always wanted to do it and been jealous of others who have done it.
Time to indulge myself a bit. So:
I am going on writing retreat next year!
Either that or I will book a semi-fancy hotel-stay-cation for myself. Where I can chill, write, order room service and (let’s be real, here) watch some trashy TV.
Every new moon (and full moon) Natta, the tarot teacher always reminds us to meditate on the corresponding cards related to the moon’s astrology. I never really understand how to meditate with tarot cards, so I usually skip this part of the homework.
Today, I gave it a try.
Pulling out The High Priestess (new moon) and the Death (Scorpio) cards from The Spacious Tarot deck, I sat on my work desk for a while, staring at these two cards. Nothing came to mind, except that I had to take Paracetamol because I have a terrible headache. So I did. Then I slathered my face with mud and made myself a pot of mulled wine tea, before coming back to my desk, looking intently into the images of these cards.
Nothing happened, and the headache is still there. I opened the journal to write, and nothing came into my mind.
I mindless flipped over the old entries and found one which I wrote on New Moon in Scorpio three years ago. I ranted about having a bad day then, and I noted down that I had a headache too.
Is this a thing? To have a lingering headache on New Moon in Scorpio? If yes, how do I unsubscribe?
I just bought another journal on an impulse from Readings Hawthorn bookstore today.
It’s Harry Potter themed with red velvet cover and lined papers.
Having too many journals has always been a privileged problem of mine. So I am going to use it only after I complete my current fat version of the classic black Moleskin journal which I got as a birthday gift from Fafa.