We were drinking on a Friday night when I blurted out in front of Fafa, but to myself mostly:
“I was a Goth Chick, once”.
It was a long time ago and did not last for a long time, but yes, I was a Goth Chick.
I was dealing with some problems inside which I couldn’t share with anyone. Retrospectively, I now know that it was just a teenage phase but boy was it hard and confusing and maddening at that time. At that time, I had started to watch One Tree Hill, a TV show about someone who loves someone who loves somebody else and later loves the first one. One of the main characters was Peyton Sawyer.
I liked her, I saw myself in her so I began channeling her by immersing myself in what I thought as the Goth culture.
I started to dress in black and black. I wore black mascara and spent all night doing things on my computer before going to school in the morning which added the much-needed addition to being a Goth chick, dark circles.
I colored my hair jet black and I stopped combing it. My assumption was that if I combed my wavy hair rarely, the wavy would turn out to curly ala Peyton. No, it didn’t.
And it didn’t stop there.
Peyton Sawyer is a music buzz, so (I am ashamed to admit this) I started to hang out with the band people in my school. I said hang out, but actually, I was just being there. In front of their practice room, joining the band boy girlfriend/admirer club. Yes, I wore Metallica and Kiss tees like all the time during that period but that’s that. Music is merely something to support my fashion statement. I even managed to have a fling with a hardcore music buff who dedicated songs for me on the radio. I, on the other hand, didn’t have a radio. Nor a music player. Because I am, was, and am actively tone-deaf. I’m bad at singing and don’t care much about music, so I listened to his dedication from my Nokia phone’s radio which was only turned on when he SMS-ed me to listen to it at a certain time.
Then I got bored of putting in the effort, and I stopped hanging out with the band; I chose to be Peyton Sawyer who drew and decided to ignore her musical side. I started drawing and quoting her and practiced smiling like her.
I was a pathetic teen indeed.
The phase finally stopped when I started to go to work. I mean people wouldn’t want to work with uncombed hair and frowning face, would they?
I skyped with Amma over the weekend. Out of curiosity, I asked whether she remembered me being a Goth once. “What is Goth?” she asked, fairly enough. “The time when I was always frowning at the dining table?” She didn’t remember. I almost gave up, but when I said, “You know when I wore my black band tees day in day out.” “Oh, you mean the time you stopped taking a shower before going to school?” she asked.
Damn you, uncombed hair.
She told me my Metallica t-shirt ala Peyton Sawyer was still in the closet. I’m so going to wear it the next time I visit home.